Men vs Women Oil Change Instuctions

[hogtyd75]

Oil Change Instructions

MENS INSTRUCTIONS

1. Go to auto parts house and buy oil, filter, oil-dry, hand cleaner and scented tree air freshener. Also pick up a 5th of bourbon and a case of beer while you’re out.
2. Take a long pull (Kentucky for big drink) of the bourbon and chase it with a beer.
3. If your used-oil pan is still full, make sure the nosey ass, do-good neighbor aint lookin’ and then dump it in hole in backyard.
4. Take another long pull of bourbon and chase it with another beer.
5. Jack up the car and spend 30 minutes lookin’ for jack stands, find jack stands under kids pedal car.
6. After that frustration drink another beer.
7. Place drain pan from step 3 under engine.
8. Look for a ¾ box-end wrench for 10 minutes.
9. Give up and use a pair of Vise grips or somfink.
10. Unscrew drain plug and get hot oil all down your arm from your hand to your elbow.
11. Drop drain plug in pan of HOT OIL and splash it all over you in the process. Dump oil in hole in brackrard and try to flush the road dirt out of your eye from step 9.
12. Take another long pull of bourbon and chase it with another beer while watching oirl drain.
13. Look for oil frilterer wrench thingee.
14. Give up and poke filter with drewscriver and swis toff.
15. Take another long pull of broben and chase it with another beer.
16. Buddy shows up to watch football game. Drink rest of breer and broben wif him, finish oil change tomorrow.
17. Next day drag pan full of used oil from underneath car.
18. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil from step 17.
19. Beer? No drank it all yesterday.
20. Walk to liquor store and buy bourbon and beer.
21. Now long pull on bourbon and chase with a beer.
22. Install new oil filter, making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to the gasket.
23. Dump quart of oil into engine.
24. Remember drain plug from step 11.
25. Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan, remember oil plug is buried in hole in backyard from step 11.
26. Take a long pull of bourbon and chase it with another beer.
27. Uncover hole in back yard and sift through dirt and oil muck to find drain plug.
28. Bourbon shot and another beer.
29. Driscover the first qt. of fresh oil is now on garage floor.
30. Take another pull on the brubon and chase with a couple of breers.
31. Reinstall drain plug, slip with wrench while tightening and bust knuckles on frame.
32. Bang head on frame in reaction to previous step.
33. Cuss and throw wrench.
34. Cuss for additional 10 minutes because wrench hit Harley and chipped chrome.
35. Take a long pull of bourbon and chase with 2 beers, in disgust over chipped chrome.
36. Look at chipped chrome for another 10 minutes, cuss some more, and drink a lot more.
37. Clean blood from knuckles and head, see steps 31 and 32.
38. Another shot and breer.
39. Anorthrer breer or 2.
40. Pour in 5 qrots of oril or sumfink.
41. Take annuver shot of breer and can of brobun.
42. Lower car from floor jack, accidentally crush jack stand.
43. Tire crushes oil drain pan and oril spilled all over floor.
44. Cuss for another 10 minutes and drink 2 more beers.
45. Move car back and apply kitty litter to oil spilled in steps 11, 29 and 43.
46. Another breer and brubon.
47. Back crar out and trest dive around the block.
48. Get pulled over and arrested for DUI.
49. Get car impounded.
50. Call buddy from step 16 to make bail and get car from impound.


MONEY SPENT

$ 50.00 parts
$ 45.00 beer and bourbon
$ 25.00 oil
$ 1000.00 bail
$ 1100.00 impound and towing
$ 2000.00 attorney fees
$ 1500.00 fines
TOTAL $ 5720.00


WOMENS INSTRUCTIONS

1. Pull up to jiffy lube when mileage reaches 3000 since last oil change.
2. Drink complimentary latte and chat with girlfriends in waiting area.
3. 15 minutes later write a check for $23.00


MONEY SPENT


$ 22.00 oil change
$ 1.00 air freshener
TOTAL $ 23.00